To Blog or Not To Blog

It was pointed out to me a little while ago that writing a blog compared to has-been, wannabe or struggling celebrities publishing books about their life. Didn't like that much so gave up blogging about personal stuff. I've been using Facebook to fill the gap but recent events have put a spanner in the works there.

I got a virtual slap on the wrist from one of exH older sons (who hardly ever uses FB) for publicy bad mouthing exH. ExHs exW#2 joined in, in full protecting-my-kids gear. After taking some time to think about how I would feel about seeing my Dad badmouthed on t'internet, I agreed to stop. Since then I've changed my privacy settings so that none of his 'children' can read my status.

It's got me reconsidering the beauty of blogging though. Here is the perfect place to let off steam without fear of recrimination.

So what have I been up to since the last time I blogged proper. Finished AAT NVQ3 a month ago. Started the course thinking that it was gonna be really hard and not sure if I was going to be able to finish it. Apart from a Costings exam from hell in November it went well. Luckily I passed the hellish exam, as did a whole load of other people who expected to fail, according to AAT discussion forum. I'm now looking for a job, with a view to starting NVQ4 one day a week course in September.

DDK10 (10th birthday was last weekend) spilled the beans over the big secret. Fella and I have been seeing each other for 19 months without exH knowledge... until K blurted it out very loudly when I dropped her off at her Dads a couple of weekends ago. Personally I'm glad the secret is out cos I find it difficult to keep secrets. Fella would have preferred it kept a secret until after my divorce but is OK. I think we feel more relaxed now and maybe a bit closer than before. I often wonder where the relationship is going, though I'm more than happy with the way it is. I love having my freedom and not having to worry about the mess my house is in. It's also a big relief not to have to worry about the effects that kids squabbles and mother/daughter disagreements could have on a relationship. And these are the things I bear in mind everytime I get to thinking about how much I miss fella during the week and how nice it would be to spend every evening and night together. I still think maybe, one day, when the kids are older...

My Dad whose personality had mellowed considerably over the past year, started getting confused. Confused enough to give us real concern at christmas time. Drs suspecting dimentia or mini strokes sent him for tests which revealed that he had inoperable brain tumour, mid January. A decision was made to go through radiotherapy. The full course of treatment would give him up to 12 months, but Drs didn't think he take take full course. The week before treatment was due to start, things got bad and Dad was admitted to hospital where they found that tumour had doubled in size. Dad passed away 22 February peacefully after two days in pallitive care.

Freedom

Pat Craven September 9 at 3:02pm Reply
To all women who feel as though no one is listening. If you want me to post your story on my blog on my web site http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
please e mail me to freedomprogramme@btinternet.com. I will call the topic 'Please tell my story'. I will post all responses on the group wall.
Hugs to all Pat

When Pat Cravens message appeared in my Facebook message inbox, I thought; I’m not sure that I could write an account of what my life was like before I left exH 16 months ago. My life is so great now and I’ve put that other life behind me.
What I can do though is tell you about the magic moments I have in this life.
Text conversation between dbf and I today:
Me: Went to tesco to get butter. Came home with bagful of stuff. No butter lol x Felt compelled to share that with you cos it was something that XH would have made me out to be mentally deficient about but you’d understand lol x Just hope that you understand my compulsion for random rambling texts too lol xxx
Him: Understand because I too am a random shopper lol

It might not seem much but to me it’s wonderful. Because he does understand that going to Tesco for butter and coming home with a bagful of stuff and not what I went up for is a perfectly normal, acceptable thing to do. It happens, it’s not the end of the world, it doesn’t make me a mad, crazy person who is useless at everything. It’s funny and it makes me interesting. He is funny and interesting too. He is also tolerant, caring, independent, encouraging and accepts me for me. I don’t know if he realises how lucky I feel to have him as my friend. I still have some hang-ups. I get insecure and paranoid. Most of the time I am able to put these feelings into the correct perspective. Sometimes, like when sleep doesn’t find me, I don’t. He is wonderfully kind and patient and I feel silly but reassured.

Some nights I lie awake at night unable to sleep because I’m excited by my freedom , my hopes and plans for the future. I’m too high on life to sleep. If I panic about not being able to sleep because I have to get up in the morning, I stop and relish the fact that I am in my own bed and I don’t have to fear being woken in the night by the 1am ‘we have to talk’. He had to talk and I had to listen. Listen to an assassination of my character. Who wants to have sex with someone who can be so verbally cruel? They weren’t exactly ‘sweet nothings’. Vicious circle. I remember that being awake happy is better than forcing myself to sleep to block out my misery. I remember that tomorrow morning I’m going to wake up to my great life and not the dread of facing yet another day of misery and tedium, SSDD (same shit, different day).

I hardly ever watch films now. If I fancy some TV, I’ll put it on and channel hop until I find something to watch for a hour before having a bath and going to bed. Mostly though I’ll play on Facebook, listen to music or read a book. I get a fantastic moment of freedom because I can choose what I want to do and not have to go through the dreaded ‘choosing which film to watch this evening’ when I would have to try to guess what he wanted to watch and we would pretend that it was my choice, that is if I managed to choose correctly, if I was lucky.

It’s no big deal if we run out of anything, like milk for example. I just hope in my car and go get some. I passed my driving test once I regained my confidence and lost the intolerant ‘instructor’. I don’t have to go through the ‘ who’s gonna pay for it’ drama either.

Which brings me to money. My money; to keep track of; to spend on what is needed; to treat myself or the kids with, when I can afford it. No monthly panic at mortgage payment time. No accusations when the outgoings outweigh the incomings. No threats to do overtime when all it would mean is less child tax credit. No more miserable Christmases and birthdays with arguments over present buying. No more favouritism when his kids got expensive gifts and my kids got whatever I could afford after I finished paying the bills.

Birthdays… I don’t care if I never get another birthday card. It’s just a piece of card. Why get hot and bothered and panic about finding the perfect card in a card shop full of pushy people all looking for the perfect card. It didn’t matter what the words said, because they were written by someone else and didn’t come from his heart anyway. It’s pretentious. No more opening the card, reading it and then getting my reaction all wrong and putting up with him sulking all day.

I once stuck a poster on the kitchen cupboard that read “This house is clean enough to be healthy and untidy enough to be happy”. He didn’t approve but it stayed there. It didn’t stop him moaning about the house never being tidy enough. My house still isn’t tidy enough, but now it isn’t tidy enough for me. But there is more to life than constantly tidying up after other people or being a boring nag, so I keep it to a tolerable level. I have found that the kids will eventually tidy on their own accord when they feel the need or when they are bored enough.

I am studying at college with a plan to become qualified enough to support my family myself. I plan to be independent. I have hope. I have a future. I no longer feel useless. I have a purpose. I found freedom. I couldn’t have done it without my family and friends or without the Freedom Programme.

AAT certificate... already :D

I passed!

Quick update on how things are going.

Exam result for AAT Foundation came by email last night and snail mail this morning. I PASSED! :D :D

Not a huge surprise lol The external exam was way easier than the internal skills tests I have been doing throughout the course and I passed all those, so the exam was not really anything to worry about.

This means that I can now go on to do AAT Intermediate. I have already applied for the course, got funding from the colleges Learner Support Fund for most of the course fee and filled in paperwork with Lone Parent Advisor for funding for the remainder of the course fee, exam fees and travel expenses. This LPA seems much more efficient than the last one who f***ed it up and left me having to fund the course myself.

Driving is going well. I drove to Longleat and Alton Towers last week :)

I've been spending lots of time in the garden. Gardening seems to be my latest obsession. I have to keep reminding myself to pick up some stitching.

I've had to go through the tough decision on turning my back on DDK9's school which is threatened with closure and moving her to a school closer to us. It makes sense but I feel like a traiter.

I've been seeing my fella for a year :D :D

DDK9 has gone to Kefalonia with her Dad for two weeks :( This is day one :(

On the whole, life is very good :D :D :D

Gardening

I've been bitten by the gardening bug. Maybe it's because I was stuck in a flat with no garden all summer last year, or maybe cos I've seen me mum growing lots of stuff over the years. I think it's cos I have my own garden with no one to tell me what I can or can't do in it. Anyhow, the bug has bitten and I have the urge to grow stuff. I haven't a clue what I'm doing but getting lots of help, advice (and plants) from mum :)

















And hiding behind the honeysuckle is my other latest obsession :) :)

Zip Slide

Life Is Pretty Darn Good

If anyone had told me this time last year that life could be this good, I would have given them a withered look, hehe.

The big plan for a better life took a huge step forward this week.

First of all, I passed my AAT unit 1 skills test. It's the first one of many exams in store for me over the next year, but a huge confidence boost. I started college, only half believing that I could cope with an accountancy course. Halfway through the course, I find that I'm coping with it miles better than anyone else in the class! lol I'm determined to get qualified enough to never have to rely on, be dependant on or 'sponge off' (as I was frequently told) anyone, ever again. I want to be independant, self reliant or if I do ever settle down with anyone in the future it will be as an equal partnership.

I PASSED MY DRIVING TEST! I can hardly believe I did it! I have to keep reminding myself, I did it!

Lastly, and not part of the original plan, hehe, but a big step to freedom nonetheless, I took part in a sponsored zip slide for charity. A bit of rebellion cos I would never have been allowed to do something like it, so I did it because I could, and also for charity of course, haha. Videos to follow.

My Stitching Haven

The reason why I have been so happy and relaxed enough to stitch lately lol

Bye Bye Woolworths, It Was Nice Knowing You

November 10, 2003 was my first day of freedom. It was the day I started working for Woolworths. The job gave me friends and confidence.

Today I had to say goodbye. :(

Merry Christmas!

We've just had the best Christmas Day for years! :D

Time To Catch Up

Yes, I know this blog has been quiet lately. I haven't stitched on anything for ages and life has been busy. I have been very quiet on a personal level for a long time too, but maybe now is a good time to spill some beans.

I left my husband six months ago, after years of unhappiness. After moaning about him and boring you all to the point where you were probably shouting at your monitor "For F***s sake, leave him!", I finally did. It felt great being free and at first while the weather was still nice, the two bedroom flat was great too. But as winter crept in, the lack of central heating and the noise from the selfish noctornal TV watching woman downstairs, things started looking not so great. We were overcrowded, cold and tired.

Then about a month before my six month lease was due to expire, with my landlady keen for me to take the flat on for another six months, and me feeling depressed at the thought of another six months in the flat, the letting agent I had signed up with phoned with details of two houses where the landlords had decided to take DSS in order to shift them. I looked at both and chose one closest to DDKs school.

After a couple of weeks of uncertainty, it turned out that the landlord had let the house to someone else without telling the letting agency. Just about to fall into despair, I learn that the other house is still available. It wasn't my first choice, as the smallest room has a problem that I am working around and it's further from DDKs school (but she is cycling and locking her bike up at school).

We moved in a week ago and I am so glad that we had this house now. I love it! And its directly opposite the woods I love walking in.

Fireplace in living room


Dining room. Still sorting things out and living around boxes.


View of the hill at the top of the woods taken from my bedroom window. (Not a good pic)


The best thing is that it's a five minute walk from the house of the chap I'm seeing (Shh, I didn't say that) lol

Ruby Grace Elizabeth arrived weighing 9lb 2oz on 17 November. My brother and his SO are remembering how much hard work newborns are. :D




I have to rediscover my stitching mojo so that I can finish her birth sampler.

Mediation has finished and the Deed of Separation signed. I am officially separated. :D

Lone Parent Advisor Part 2

So, because the money hadn't gone out of the bank for the ECDL course, I got onto the college and they agreed to hold off on taking the payment until I asked the LPA about having it paid for me. That was on Wednesday but I didn't manage to get hold of the LPA until this morning. She said tell the college to take the money and she would have the money put into my account. Hang on. I swear she told me that they couldn't reinburse me after I had paid it.

See if you can keep up with this. When I went to see her the first time and I had booked and paid for the course, they couldn't pay it. But now I have already seen her once and it is on record that we have discussed training and I have contacted her again about the course, now they can pay it. I was flumoxed, so she said it again.
"Yes, I understand what you are saying, you couldn't agree to have it paid the first time, but now you can. I just don't understand why." So she went into again and I'm none the wiser except that I understand that I can tell the college to take the payment and I will get it back from the jobcentre.

That was the first hurdle. Onto the second, the Sage accounting course. The only college offering Sage is City Of Bristol and it's on an evening in the centre of Bristol which is no good to me. Filton haven't offered the course for 2 or 3 years. Both colleges offer the AAT NVQ during the day which I can manage. The only other way I can do the Sage is buying a home learning course. The LPA thought that was a bad idea. Then, hurrah, she suggests I do the NVQ first and then the Sage later on when I have passed my driving test and have a car.

Apparently you can only apply for funding for one course per year. The ECDL is being payed as a one off out of office funds because it is a small amount, local with no transport or childcare fees. I should enrol for the NVQ which starts in February and apply for funding for that. In the meantime I have to ask the college if I can apply for a hardship grant.

So, this morning I'm feeling quite positive, as though I am actually getting somewhere, even though there's a lot of confusion along the way. lol

Lone Parent Advisor

I did finally get in touch with the Lone Parent Advisor at the Jobcentre. I was told that I had had an appointment back in June which I had not kept. Probably because nobody ever told me about it. So I made a new appointment for yesterday and toddled off there for a chat.

She was surprised that I had contacted them and was there of my own accord rather than someone who had been summoned. So, don't lone parents want to make something of themselves then? I don't want to sit on my bum on benefits until I'm told "You've had enough hand outs, go and get a job!". I want to spend the next couple of years getting as well trained as I can, so that I can earn a decent wage for when I do have to support myself without help. Also I have spent most of my life being dependant on a husband and being made to feel like a sponger. I don't want that ever again. Even if I were to settle down/cohabit/marry again I want to be independant and provide for my own kids. She was also surprised that I work nine hours a week when I don't have to. She pointed out that I was effectively working for twenty quid a week. I don't look at it that way. I see it as earning a wage so that the government doesn't have to give me as much.

So, I found out that I can have course fees, transport and childcare fees paid for me. I also found out that I shouldn't have paid the course fee for the ECDL course I just paid for, doh! oh well, too late, chalk that one up to experience. As I was an accounts clerk in my life before kids, she advised that I take a Sage Accounting course. OK, that sounds good. I can only find one course at one college in central Bristol on a Monday evening. Not so good. I don't fancy public transport into and out of the city and the walk to the bus station at gone 9pm. It's too late to get back for the kids too. I looked online and you can buy Sage courses to do at home, so I'll have to find out if they'll pay for that.

Looking through the college course books though, I thought, why not go the whole hog, forget the Sage and do the NVQs 2, 3 and 4. I can do the crash course of 18 weeks for NVQ 2, 3 days a week, move the ECDL which is local, from the Friday morning to Monday evening and drop a shift at work. Then move on to the next two levels. Should take a couple of years. The NVQ starts in February so I've got until then to procrastinate. lol I wonder why the LPA didn't advise the NVQ though?

New Deal For Lone Parents

New deal for lone parents
New Deal is a government strategy for getting people back into work. A lone parent, whose youngest child is under 16, and is either not working or is working under 16 hours a week, can get help under the New Deal for Lone Parents scheme. There is access to a Personal Adviser, who will advise what funding is available towards course fees, travel, and childcare. He or she will be there as a contact throughout the whole New Deal programme.

It's their job to:

Get to know a little about the parent so you end up with a job you can enjoy
Calculate how much better off you could be in a job
Discuss with the parent what kind of job you would like to get
Draw up an action plan to help you get that job
Help you look and apply for suitable jobs
Help you find training opportunities
Help you find and organise registered childcare
Help you with expenses that may occur during your job search
Explain which benefits you will be entitled to once you start work
Continue to offer the parent help and advice even after you have found work.

Sounds great doesn't it? It would be even better if I could get them to answer the darn phone!

Bad Marriage - A Life Lesson

A friend recently asked me "Why did I stay in my marriage for so long?" My answer was because I didn't know how to leave. And that was the main reason. I can remember countless times finding myself at the end of my tether and thinking "If I had somewhere to go, I'd be gone". That was my main excuse for not going.

I can't say that I regret the last ten years. I wouldn't have DDK8 for one thing. But also despite being unhappy for so long, I have learned a great deal. I have learned what it is like being on the receiving end of passive agressive behaviour and re-evaluated the way I treat people myself. I think that the experience has made me a better person and that maybe I was supposed to endure it as sort of a life lesson. Instead of acting so much on impulse, I take time to think about what to say to people before I say it, I have become less selfish, less hot headed, more thoughtful.

There are traits that have been repressed that I may revert back to though. I still have a sarcastic sense of humour, I'm still a disorganised untidy person, although cleaner and more house proud than before. Most important I feel, is that I have rediscovered my sense of fun.

I have vowed never to marry again. Most would probably think that's because I couldn't trust another man again. Some might think that if the right one came along and after a long time of learning about him and being sure and be able to trust again, that that might change. At the moment, it's mostly because I don't want to risk putting my girls through another step family situation. But in truth, it's because I'm scared that with a decent bloke, without the control I have endured, I might go back to being the person I don't like.