Monday, June 7, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
It was pointed out to me a little while ago that writing a blog compared to has-been, wannabe or struggling celebrities publishing books about their life. Didn't like that much so gave up blogging about personal stuff. I've been using Facebook to fill the gap but recent events have put a spanner in the works there.
I got a virtual slap on the wrist from one of exH older sons (who hardly ever uses FB) for publicy bad mouthing exH. ExHs exW#2 joined in, in full protecting-my-kids gear. After taking some time to think about how I would feel about seeing my Dad badmouthed on t'internet, I agreed to stop. Since then I've changed my privacy settings so that none of his 'children' can read my status.
It's got me reconsidering the beauty of blogging though. Here is the perfect place to let off steam without fear of recrimination.
So what have I been up to since the last time I blogged proper. Finished AAT NVQ3 a month ago. Started the course thinking that it was gonna be really hard and not sure if I was going to be able to finish it. Apart from a Costings exam from hell in November it went well. Luckily I passed the hellish exam, as did a whole load of other people who expected to fail, according to AAT discussion forum. I'm now looking for a job, with a view to starting NVQ4 one day a week course in September.
DDK10 (10th birthday was last weekend) spilled the beans over the big secret. Fella and I have been seeing each other for 19 months without exH knowledge... until K blurted it out very loudly when I dropped her off at her Dads a couple of weekends ago. Personally I'm glad the secret is out cos I find it difficult to keep secrets. Fella would have preferred it kept a secret until after my divorce but is OK. I think we feel more relaxed now and maybe a bit closer than before. I often wonder where the relationship is going, though I'm more than happy with the way it is. I love having my freedom and not having to worry about the mess my house is in. It's also a big relief not to have to worry about the effects that kids squabbles and mother/daughter disagreements could have on a relationship. And these are the things I bear in mind everytime I get to thinking about how much I miss fella during the week and how nice it would be to spend every evening and night together. I still think maybe, one day, when the kids are older...
My Dad whose personality had mellowed considerably over the past year, started getting confused. Confused enough to give us real concern at christmas time. Drs suspecting dimentia or mini strokes sent him for tests which revealed that he had inoperable brain tumour, mid January. A decision was made to go through radiotherapy. The full course of treatment would give him up to 12 months, but Drs didn't think he take take full course. The week before treatment was due to start, things got bad and Dad was admitted to hospital where they found that tumour had doubled in size. Dad passed away 22 February peacefully after two days in pallitive care.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Pat Craven September 9 at 3:02pm Reply
To all women who feel as though no one is listening. If you want me to post your story on my blog on my web site http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
please e mail me to firstname.lastname@example.org. I will call the topic 'Please tell my story'. I will post all responses on the group wall.
Hugs to all Pat
When Pat Cravens message appeared in my Facebook message inbox, I thought; I’m not sure that I could write an account of what my life was like before I left exH 16 months ago. My life is so great now and I’ve put that other life behind me.
What I can do though is tell you about the magic moments I have in this life.
Text conversation between dbf and I today:
Me: Went to tesco to get butter. Came home with bagful of stuff. No butter lol x Felt compelled to share that with you cos it was something that XH would have made me out to be mentally deficient about but you’d understand lol x Just hope that you understand my compulsion for random rambling texts too lol xxx
Him: Understand because I too am a random shopper lol
It might not seem much but to me it’s wonderful. Because he does understand that going to Tesco for butter and coming home with a bagful of stuff and not what I went up for is a perfectly normal, acceptable thing to do. It happens, it’s not the end of the world, it doesn’t make me a mad, crazy person who is useless at everything. It’s funny and it makes me interesting. He is funny and interesting too. He is also tolerant, caring, independent, encouraging and accepts me for me. I don’t know if he realises how lucky I feel to have him as my friend. I still have some hang-ups. I get insecure and paranoid. Most of the time I am able to put these feelings into the correct perspective. Sometimes, like when sleep doesn’t find me, I don’t. He is wonderfully kind and patient and I feel silly but reassured.
Some nights I lie awake at night unable to sleep because I’m excited by my freedom , my hopes and plans for the future. I’m too high on life to sleep. If I panic about not being able to sleep because I have to get up in the morning, I stop and relish the fact that I am in my own bed and I don’t have to fear being woken in the night by the 1am ‘we have to talk’. He had to talk and I had to listen. Listen to an assassination of my character. Who wants to have sex with someone who can be so verbally cruel? They weren’t exactly ‘sweet nothings’. Vicious circle. I remember that being awake happy is better than forcing myself to sleep to block out my misery. I remember that tomorrow morning I’m going to wake up to my great life and not the dread of facing yet another day of misery and tedium, SSDD (same shit, different day).
I hardly ever watch films now. If I fancy some TV, I’ll put it on and channel hop until I find something to watch for a hour before having a bath and going to bed. Mostly though I’ll play on Facebook, listen to music or read a book. I get a fantastic moment of freedom because I can choose what I want to do and not have to go through the dreaded ‘choosing which film to watch this evening’ when I would have to try to guess what he wanted to watch and we would pretend that it was my choice, that is if I managed to choose correctly, if I was lucky.
It’s no big deal if we run out of anything, like milk for example. I just hope in my car and go get some. I passed my driving test once I regained my confidence and lost the intolerant ‘instructor’. I don’t have to go through the ‘ who’s gonna pay for it’ drama either.
Which brings me to money. My money; to keep track of; to spend on what is needed; to treat myself or the kids with, when I can afford it. No monthly panic at mortgage payment time. No accusations when the outgoings outweigh the incomings. No threats to do overtime when all it would mean is less child tax credit. No more miserable Christmases and birthdays with arguments over present buying. No more favouritism when his kids got expensive gifts and my kids got whatever I could afford after I finished paying the bills.
Birthdays… I don’t care if I never get another birthday card. It’s just a piece of card. Why get hot and bothered and panic about finding the perfect card in a card shop full of pushy people all looking for the perfect card. It didn’t matter what the words said, because they were written by someone else and didn’t come from his heart anyway. It’s pretentious. No more opening the card, reading it and then getting my reaction all wrong and putting up with him sulking all day.
I once stuck a poster on the kitchen cupboard that read “This house is clean enough to be healthy and untidy enough to be happy”. He didn’t approve but it stayed there. It didn’t stop him moaning about the house never being tidy enough. My house still isn’t tidy enough, but now it isn’t tidy enough for me. But there is more to life than constantly tidying up after other people or being a boring nag, so I keep it to a tolerable level. I have found that the kids will eventually tidy on their own accord when they feel the need or when they are bored enough.
I am studying at college with a plan to become qualified enough to support my family myself. I plan to be independent. I have hope. I have a future. I no longer feel useless. I have a purpose. I found freedom. I couldn’t have done it without my family and friends or without the Freedom Programme.